The Angsting
by nedthejanitor
Summary: Here's another great big wonderful potshot at an irritating genre. Warning: No matter how funny I make this, you will probably be in a bad mood after reading it.
1. E

Disclaimer: I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh. Leave me alone so I can cry.

Yugi and pals were having a positively LOVELY day in the beautiful city of Domino...

...are the words I wished I could write right now. Wait, shit, I just wrote them. Oh, well. Anyways, I am an author who writes the truth, not a bunch of fiction.

"Excuse me, but you're writing fanFICTION, you know that, right?" says one of the readers.

SHUT UP! It's my fanfact, I'll write it! You go be happy somewhere! Hisssss! Okay, in reality, Yugi and pals are extremely depressed, poor people who live in a one-bedroom apartment together and share the same syringe to mix meth and heroin in. They will die slowly and painfully after living a few more miserable years.

Now that I've set the mood for the rest of the story, let's dive in, shall we? Let's start off with Tea, since she's pretty much the only cast member that we will obtain pleasure from watching her be goth.

"I'm in love with Yami, but he doesn't love me back. He's in love with that slut, Yugi, who loves me more than life itself, which isn't very much, considering none of us love life anymore. And I'm stuck with my abusive boyfriend, Bandit Keith, who eats all our food, beats me with his spiked club after sex, if you can call semi-rape sex, and he took a crap in Joey's laundry again, so Joey'll most likely beat me after he does his evening speedball. I hate myself and want to die." says Tea, before cutting her wrist so much that her hand nearly comes off.

"HA HA EL-OH-EL it is teh funny grr die friendship bitch!!11!1" one of the reviewers types.

"Come on, she's annoying, but this borders on psychotic!" the one reviewer that isn't a total ass types.

"OMG shut up and go look at my myspace profile please"

Okay, now let's move on, this isn't a comedy. Yami is in his room. He just got his sXe because the dummy thinks it stands for "Sexy."

"I wish that, for once, Yugi would just return my feelings for him. I mean, isn't it obvious, has he even double-checked our dialouge during the entire series?! I WANT HIM!! But I can never! So, I'm going to go get a perscription for painkillers and die tragically in another couple of chapters." Yami whines, before and after pouring meth-laced alcohol down his Pharoah gullet.

Now that you are sad to an almost hilarious point, let's have something horrible and disgusting happen to Mokuba, one of the very few cheery characters in the whole show.

"LA LA LA! Isn't life just GREAT?! Everyone is friends, I haven't been kidnapped any time in the last couple of weeks, and my brother is about to take a week's vacation! Ohh, look, a dank, smelly alleyway! I'm going to wander off in there, totally oblivious to any danger!" Mokuba squeaks happily, oblivious to the danger that awaits him.

Mokuba skips cheerily into the awful alleyway where drugs of every kind are made, the guards of Fort Knox have to be on standby 28 hours a day, and where Osama Bin Laden does his tapings of terrorism to America. As Mokuba prepares to skp through the part of the alleyway where there are broken beer bottles and used syringes ALL OVER THE PLACE, a man comes out from behind a soggy dumpster and trips Mokuba, who lands directly into the mess of sharp, pointy things. We look on in horror as Mokuba is viciously buttraped in several graphic ways by the mysterious stranger, oh, and he has HIV too! After reading paragraph after paragraph of Mokuba screeching in blood curdling pain, the man throws the half-dead body of Mokuba into the dumpster, right next to the rotting carcass of a raccoon.

Two hours later, Kaiba just happens to be walking by to score a little of the sweet powder of crack, and he hears a small moaning coming from the dumpster.

"Oh, God! Mokuba!" Kaiba exclaims, staring down at his garbage-ridden little brother.

"Big brother... I'm in pain and I think that raccoon is alive, because I can feel something eating my broken hips." Mokuba hoarsely whispers, blood dripping from his mouth with every syllable.

Kaiba gets Mokuba out of the dumpster and carries him back to the large mansion.

"Who did this to you?" Kaiba asks.

"I never saw his face... but he calls himself... 4kids." Mokuba yet again barely manages to get out.

"4Kids? That's a disgusting pedophile name."

"He... he also says... you and Yugi and his friends are all next..." And, with these words, Mokuba fades into sleep.

Meanwhile, at Bakura's house, Bakura was frantically cleaning up after his Yami's pitbulls, Shred n' Slash.

"Oh, please, help me! Anybody!" The brit pleas while trying to pick dog shit off the floor with his bare hands because he can't afford towels. "My Yami will be home any moment and if he sees me with clothes and eating something that isn't sausage, he'll kill me! Literally!"

But it was too late, as always. Unfortanately for you, Yami-Bakura doesn't kill Bakura. No way, too kid-friendly. Instead, you are subjected to another 1000 word-per-paragraph rape scene where Yami-Bakura shoves the following objects into Bakura:

Broom handle

Hair dryer

Aspirins

A pipe

Some CDs

A cellphone

Guitar neck

Drumsticks

A flashlight

Earphones

An Ipod

Spare tire

Some beer cans

Loaf of bread

Kettle of milk

Stick of butter

A bong filled with acid

An enema to clean it out

And, the biggest of all, his penis. Repeatedly.

Yami-Bakura finally leaves Bakura on the bed, obese from all the shit inside him, and sleeps. The traumatized Bakura dreams about Yami-Bakura raping him continuously, only now Yami-Bakura's a dragon, so it's like he's screwing Tinkerbell. You have to read that too.

By now, if you look outside, it should be raining and thundering. Let's end this here chapter before a lightning bolt knocks your electricity out.

THE END... OF THE WORLD!


	2. M

Disclaimer: Why do you keep asking me if I own Yu-Gi-Oh? Next time you ask me, I really WILL slit my wrists!!

Okay, now what characters HAVEN'T we covered...? Oh, yeah, Joey, Yugi and Tristan! Let's do those extremely depressed people, and then on with the actual plot!

Joey was sitting down in the apartment. He was doing his evening speedball so that maybe he could have a little bit of a happy outlook on life. Of course, the speedballs stopped making him feel great a long time ago, and now he just needed them to keep from killing himself. Don't it just make you wet yourself with sadness?

"Right now, dere's tree tings I'm wonderin'." Joey begins with his painful Brooklyn accent. "Fuh one, how de hell do we get all dese drugs? Fuh God's sake, it's like our supply has no limits or anyting! We could run a drug ring and make a fortune, and it might make us marginally less depressed! Fuh two, if I was born in Japan, how did I get dis stupid accent? What de hell? Fuh tree, what's da point of my life? No one really cares about me at all, I'm always gettin' raped by my dad, and I've been living wit my stupid-ass friends in a crummy apartment sleeping in a livin' room next to Tea! Speakin' a Tea, right about dis time is where I check my laundry."

Joey finishes eating his ball of speed and heads to his laundry basket, where he is greeted by a nice burgandy loaf resting on top of his favorite shirt. Since nobody bothered to pick it up since they were too busy trying to resist the urge to slit themselves from ear to ear, Joey decides (assumes) that Tea must've done the dirty deed, and he runs to the living room (actually, he takes about two steps), but then he stops when he sees that Tea is already being beaten by Keith. This being a normal occurance in the House of Pain, Joey's quite nonplussed about the whole situation.

"Hey, what's up, Keith?" Joey asks as cheerfully as he can muster.

"Oh, nothing much, just punishing my bitch for refusing to finish her plate of sperm." Keith says as if he were talking about the weather, only loudly, since he has to talk over Tea's loud crys and yelps of pain.

"Well, here, let me help ya wit' dat!"

Joey and Keith beat Tea for a while, then they rape her in several long, graphic paragraphs. But then, the evil man who raped Mokuba comes in and breaks his wooden pole over their heads, then the three of them each get their own graphic, ten-paragraph long rape sequence. Yum. 4Kids has struck again!!

As for Tristan, he's just walking around, trying to score some drugs.

"I'm the one who goes out and risks my ass for them every other day to get our large supply of drugs, working three jobs to make the money for it." Tristan bitterly observes. "And for what?! Nobody pays attention to me, NOBODY CARES ONE LITTLE BIT ABOUT TRISTAN TAYLOR!!"

"Are you going to shut the hell up and give me the drug money or what?" His drug dealer asks, obviously tired of his annoying sob story.

"Yeah, here you go."

Tristan gets the heroin and walks off to his last dealer before he goes to his shift at Burger King. But, little does he know who his last dealer is...

However, we'll get back to him in a second. HA HA, I am a total cocktease, except with eyes. Meanwhile, let's get to the main character, Yugi! Yugi just got back, and he's seen the half-dead bodies of Joey, Keith, and Tea.

"Oh, God!!" Yugi screams before starting to weep and sob in a very high, piercing wail of a voice. "I hate myself! How could I have been so stupid! If I'd have just not decided to go find that hooker who looks like Tea, this wouldn't have happened! I want to die, but I'm too much of a weak, pathetic person to actually carry it out! Boo. Frickity. Hoo." Yugi starts to grab his phone to call the police, but then a light bulb appears just over his highest spike of hair. "Alas, I have just realized something!

Yugi bends down to fondle Tea's girly parts. You are utterly horrified and shocked that Yugi, the sweet, innocent little midget, could be so utterly uncaring of the fact that the love of his life was hanging on by a thread.

Meanwhile, Tristan has just been raped by 4Kids, who was his last dealer. Tristan is stumbling his way back home to slit his wrists and end the pain he's going through. He is run over. You don't even care. However, you do care about Serenity, who was the one that ran him over. As she goes to check on him, 4Kids comes along and... you figure it out.

At the hospital, Mokuba is sharing a four-person hospital room with Joey, Keith, and Tea, who finally got checked in after Yugi was finished with Tea. Yugi and Kaiba we're sitting in the room, acting like bitches and competing with each other to find out whose life sucks worse. So far, Kaiba's winning, because his fists say so. Keep in mind that, as this is going on, their closest friends/relatives are dying in their beds. At last, Yami walks in.

"Yami! You came." Yugi squealed as his lover- er, YAMI, walked through the door.

"Damn it. The Pharaoh." Kaiba audibly muttered, disgust dripping from his words. (Is this emo-cliche enough yet?)

"Kaiba, this is no time for fighting." Yami said with great and pompous authority. "The man who is raping all our friends will eventually come after us. We need to defeat him before-"

A nurse comes into the room, interrupting Yami's passionate speech.

"I'm afraid we have some terrible news." The nurse said slowly, trying to break it to them softly, whatever is was.

"No one ever has any good news." Yugi bitched. "I'm so fucking emo."

"I'm afraid that someone who has been identified as Joey's sister, Serenity, was found dead next to Tristan Taylor, a man we assume you know because he has Joey Wheeler's credit cards with him."

"Oh, that's how he could afford that coke!" Yami bleated out, clearly not thinking about what he's saying.

"Coke?"

Yami then realizes he fucked up.

"Err, the drinks!" Yami elaborates for the suspicious nurse. "Yeah, that's how he could afford all those twelve-packs!"  
"Riiight." The nurse let the word drag out to pound in the hint that she now didn't trust them. Then her face went back from paranoid to deeply sympathetic in a nanosecond. "Well, I'm truly sorry to have to be the one that tells you all of this."

The nurse leaves the room so that our remaining heroes can share dialogue.

"Now are you prepared to help us capture this evil rapist?" Yami asks Kaiba.

"Fine, but no dueling. I'm too junked up on anti-depressants to make it coherent." Kaiba remarked, arms crossed like a defiant child.

"But dueling is the only thing I'm good at!" Yami whined, much to the amusement of Kaiba, who was used to his authorative voice and wording.

"Tough shit."

As Yugi, Yami, and Kaiba make their plans, 4Kids finishes up on Weevil, Rex, Mako, Marik, Yami-Marik, Ishizu, Odion, and many other one-episode characters, and prepares to strike his final victims...

TO BE CONTINUED I HATE MY WORTHLESS LIFE.


	3. O

Here Lies Ned The Janitor: Died From Slitting Wrists Because He Was Sick Of Writing Disclaimers. By The Way, He Doesn't Own Yu-Gi-Oh.

_yeh and he wuz fat too lol_

Goddamn Vandalizing Children...

Yugi, Yami, and Kaiba are walking down the DANKEST, DARKEST, SLIMIEST, FITHIEST, CRIME RIDDENIST, BUTT FUCKINGIST, DRUGED UPEST, SMELLIEST, UGLIEST GODDAMN DEATHPOOL ALLEYWAY THIS SIDE OF HELL AND NEVERLAND RANCH because they need a nice walk to clear their thoughts. They figured, hey, let's go to the nice part of town.

"Well, this is pretty much the biggest hellhole in the city, but it's actually really nice." Kaiba calmly observes as a cat with AIDS pisses on his leg.

"Once you get past the smell of old corpses and the hobos defecating on abandoned police cars it's kinda homey." Yami agrees, kicking the cat away from Kaiba.

"You know, the real estate in this hood is actually rather decent, especially the ones that had mass suicides in them."

"You ever see that one with the big "SUCK MY FARTASS" written on the front?" Yugi asks them both, mostly just trying to get into the conversation.

"Oh, yes. It just looks so... beautiful." Yami gushes like a girl.

Suddenly, Yugi steps in something thats powdery, crusty, transparent, and stinky.

"OH GOD, IT'S MAI!!" Yugi screeches, jumping into the arms of Yami, who promptly drops him to the ground.

"Holy shit!" Kaiba yells.

"Ugghh... kill me..." Mai groans sickly.

"Holy shit!"

"What's happened to you?!" Yami demands.

"4Kids... 4Kids... raped me... and shredded my character... please, be my angel and set me free." Mai told him inbetween sobs and convulsions.

"Holy shit!"

A long silence.

"...Holy shit."

"PLEASE! PLEASE! IT HURTS SO BAD, AND I'VE LOST SO MUCH BLOOD..." Mai then stops screaming, and then her face turns green. "MMPH!"

Mai vomits blood and glass all over Yugi's shoe.

"Ew, that's so gross!" pouts Yugi. "Took me weeks to shine these shoes, thanks to Bandit Keith using them as bun fodder after a delicious meal of enchiladas, REGULARLY! Oh, well, that fag is dead now. So, who's going to kill her-"

SQUISH!! 4Kids steps from the creeping shadows and stomps Mai's head. Her 25 years of lonely existence are over.

Then Mai shits her skirt.

"HA HA HA!!" 4Kids' cruel laugh rang into the skulls of our defiant heroes.

"It's him, the evil 4Kids!" Yugi declares as if it were a secret.

"How do you know?" asks Kaiba.

"Kaiba, he just killed Mai, he's drooling, he has an evil laugh, and he's staring at your hips." Yami said. "Do the math."

"Ahh... I see. Well, then, shall we piss our pants, cry for our mothers, and run?"

"No, that would be dis-"

4Kids grabs Kaiba by the throat and shoots him up with heroin. Then he drags him behind a dumpster. Screaming, tearing, and struggling are heard. Then a cracking sound is heard, followed by one last dying breath.

Then Kaiba shits his pants.

"Why, I believe 4Kids just killed Kaiba." Yami points out as 4Kids emerges from behind the dumpster.

"He most certainly did." concludes Yugi.

"..."

"..."

"RUN! RUN AS FAST AS YOU FUCKING CAN AND DON'T LOOK BACK!!"

As Yami screams this, Yugi is grabbed as well. He is raped and killed in graphic fashion.

Then Yugi shits his pants.

"MIND CRUSH!!" Yami roars, sticking his arm out in a hopeless attempt at fighting back.

4Kids is unaffected, because he's already lost his mind. Hell, who knows if he even had it to begin with?

"I LEFT MY MIND AT ONE PIECE!! HA HA HA HA!!" 4Kids barks out in triumph.

"OH SHI-"

Yami runs before the T is added, leaving nothing but his "abiou" (KAWAIII GLOMP ) and a trail of urine behind. 4Kids is right behind him, preparing to devour his soul and please the creepy Yu-Gi-Oh fangirls (ONLY SOME OF YOU ARE CREEPY NOT ALL OF YOU) by raping him so gratuitously, John Waters would be scarred forever. As Yami runs, he begins to question his existence. All of his friends are dead, he has no discernable future, Paris Hilton has a GOLD ALBUM OUT, and now he's running from some bloated rapist named 4Kids in a cold, dark alleyway. Just like New Years Eve. Except for the Paris part.

"HA HA HA!! I WILL CATCH UP TO YOU EVENTUALLY, AND ONCE I DO, I WILL RUIN YOU!!" 4Kids promises.

"Oh, hell with it." Yami whispers.

Yami stops and waits.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" 4Kids asks very extremely loudly.

"Letting you do it. Let's get this over with."

"You... you actually want the rape?"

"I don't want it, but I know it's going to happen. Please, end it quickly."

"THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE! THINK OF THE CHILDREN!!"

"Huh?"

4Kids starts walking the other way, shouting about children and how they shouldn't be forced to see something as horrible as consentual sex. Oh, the horror. Stop. Police. Murder.

"Well... I guess I'll go home, then..."

Yami walks through the Alleyway of Suffering and walks back to the hospital to watch his last few friends die slowly, all the while twitching and occasionally, a tear slips out of one of their cheeks. Yami weeps himself back home and falls asleep on the couch, which is stained with blood and "milk".

When he wakes up after having nightmares about his dead friends blaming him for everything, he looks outside. It's another rainy day. He watches a puppy get run over and a child crying and burying it. Yami looks down and notices a broken bottle. He takes the biggest shard of glass and slices his tongue off. He lays on the floor, crying, dying alone. He almost drowns himself when he turns face down into the massive pool of blood that has accumulated on the kitchen floor, as well as rolling into Keith's dried up loaf of butt dumpling. Finally, he dies. And the last thing he thinks about when he slips into his last, eternal sleep... is release... bittersweet release.

Then Yami shits his pants.

THE END OF YU-GI-OH!

I apologize if this depressed you. Go read a real humor fic NOW because I will not be responsible for your untimely demise.


End file.
